This week has been both a long and a short one
. It sure seems like that's the way life is all around these days. Days drag on but moments slip by. It's been a rough week. I have felt alone, abandoned. I try to keep it in perspective. Everyone is fighting battles, every. single. day. Bigger battles than I am fighting. I really am lucky to have all that I have. Jake and I have spent some good time together the last couple days. His love for life, while sometimes makes me crazy, is infectious. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and a long look at those two boys, the loves of my life and press on. It's Friday. Hopefully the weekend brings with it a refreshing new start.

Lonely, but not alone.

I am not alone. Ever. Rarely is there a time when I have peace and quiet to myself. I'm not sure I would want it, even if I could have it. I'd rather not be left alone with my thoughts. Life is fleeting these days. Moments pass in an instant, gone forever. I have two crazy kids, a husband, a dog...family, but I feel alone. Lonely is probably a better word.I recently started Insanity, as another outlet for my thoughts. A way to keep me busy. I guess I can hang out with Shaun T. and the rest of his work out crew. I have very few friends of my own, only a couple really. I work from home, while watching the kids. Let's be honest, the most interaction I get is at the market, a place I would frequent more if we had more money. Try as I may to do everything right, I've been failing lately. I don't feel like my oldest son (almost 3) really even likes me very much most the time. I'm the "disciplinary" and he hates that. Nate, the little one, still likes me now, but I'm sure that'll change too eventually. I've fallen short in the wife department over and over again. Try as I may, I can't seem to do everything I need to for my husband. My family is on the East Coast, while I'm over here on the West Coast and especially lately, I really could use more time with them. Brian's family is wonderful, but let's face it, they are still HIS and I need some of my own. Work is going pretty well, I stay busy enough, although I really wish I had a "real job" so that I could have some "purpose" or validity to the hours I spend. Vacuuming, changing diapers and fixing meals doesn't seem to cut it these days.

I'm never alone, just lonely. And honestly, I could really use a hug and a you're doing ok right now. I know I won't get it, but I sure could use it.

It has been such a long time. Writing this has been a long time in the making. It feels like three years of my life have flown past me. At times I wanted them to pass as quickly as possible and at times I wish I could have slowed them down and savored every last moment that was passing.

Life is funny like that. Looking back now, I wish I could relive so many moments. I wish I could remember everything that happened. I wish I could get time back. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

I plan on using this as an outlet...a way to discuss what goes on in my life and what goes on in my head and heart. The two boys pictured above hold the key to my life these days. They are my reason for rising in the morning (and the middle of the night). They are the reason for my desire to be healthy. They are the reason that I press on every day, striving for a better me and a better life....they are my reason for everything in life. Meaning finally Found.